Homesick

I believe this is one of the first times I have legitimately been homesick. Usually I miss certain things whenever I travel or move, but I really have never missed home this much. Even when I was in India for a month, or when I first moved to Seattle to go to school, I never have missed anything as much as I miss Seattle and all of my friends there. Even in such a big city as Tokyo, with all the people it has, I can be lonely. That's amazing and sad all at the same time.

Its not like I haven't made friends here or haven't been going out. In fact I just got back from a sumo tournament that I went to with two of the girls I've grown closest to. But I think it is the fact that I know I am going home to an empty room and that I will be by myself for the entire night that kills me. Walking home all alone, from the station has been the hardest part of living here.

Even though I didn't spend tons of time with the girls in Seattle, we always had dinners and parties, always had chances to catch up. I lived with Megan, so we would cook and talk on a regular basis. I miss knowing I could call them. Having the ability to meet up when our schedules permitted. Knowing they were nearby, knowing that I could count on them if something came up. Now the distance doesn't allow for the small comforts like that.

I have no idea how I used to think I could live by myself. At the end of my freshman year, I wanted nothing more than a one-bedroom apartment. I'm glad it didn't work out. I would have got so lonely.

Maybe its because I am so used to cooking for me and Reese. Used to studying together. Never had to worry about being by myself. Maybe that is why I am the way I am now. Or maybe he just helped me realize the part of me that needs interaction, that thrives on close friendships.

While some people fear death, I am most afraid of being alone. Losing my family, my friends. I cannot imagine anything worse than that. Realized this about myself a few years ago. I haven't really thought about it much until now. I don't think it's something I can necessarily get over, but its worth confronting. Especially now.